We spend many thousands of hours of our lives at our job. On average, we work more than 2,000 hours a year – that’s more than 170 hours a month. We usually see our colleagues more often and longer as family and friends. It is therefore not surprising that sooner or later colleagues often become good friends – or sometimes even more.
Hollywood shows us how – romance at work
For many people, romantic relationships at work are one thing above all: the recipe for good entertainment. Whether Grey’s Anatomy, Suits or The Office, Hollywood uses many examples to show us the pitfalls that love at work can have in store for us. Bring quarrels from your own four walls to work? Very bad idea! Cooing around in the camp supposedly unobserved? Better not!
There’s no question that relationships in the workplace can sometimes be complicated. Still, we often can’t control where love falls. Here you can find out what you need to consider if you fall in love with your colleague.
Not uncommon: love at work
As the saying goes, love comes when we least expect it. According to a Statista survey from 2022, 28% of couples in Germany met through mutual friends. 21% found each other through the internet or dating apps and a whopping 11% met at work. Considering the amount of time we spend with work and our colleagues throughout our lives, it’s not surprising.
For many employees, it is nice colleagues who are a key factor in job satisfaction. Conversely, this means that we often work where we get on well with the people around us. The figures from Statista prove that this can become more over time. Be it on a mild summer evening at a company anniversary or on a business trip away from the hustle and bustle of everyday work – small moments can often have a big impact.
The first step: Should I address my feelings?
It happened – you fell in love with a colleague at work and want to take the next step? Put the cards on the table? With all due respect to your honesty and courage, this decision should be well thought out. Once said, it cannot be taken back so quickly. When you confess your feelings to the other person and, worst of all, that person doesn’t feel the same way, it can seriously affect the atmosphere in the workplace.
So before you speak plainly, you should find out as subtly as possible if the feelings are mutual. It is best to choose a time after work, away from work. In a relaxed atmosphere you get to know each other in a completely different way and who knows: maybe the sparks will fly all too clearly? Then it’s time to jump over your shadow and be honest about your feelings. You dare!
A colleague who dared to enter into a relationship with her colleague knows that it can be worth it: “Of course I thought about whether everything would go well and whether it was worth the risk. After a rejection, the everyday working life would certainly not have been the same.” The external circumstances should not be ignored either. The size of the company and other factors can make things more difficult or even better: “In my case, we worked in a 12-person agency in the same department. He was my direct colleague and a lot could have gone wrong. The emphasis here is on would.”
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How serious is it and when do I make a relationship public?
Now let’s dispel a myth: It’s not up to the employer to forbid relationships in the workplace. Employers don’t have control over their employees’ personal lives, and just like friendships in a team can’t be banned, so can romantic relationships. Fortunately, many employers are aware of this and the fact that 11% of couples in Germany met through work shows that date bans are either rarely put in place – or simply ignored.
From a legal point of view, there is nothing against romance among colleagues. But is it still advisable to hang the relationship directly on the big bell? Does the employer have to be informed? You alone decide that. There may be corresponding requirements from your employer to be informed immediately about relationships between employees. However, these requirements are also legally ineffective.
Do you both agree to superiors and colleagues finding out about your partnership? Then, as a first step, you look for a conversation with your superiors. If other colleagues know first, it can quickly happen that the corridor radio is faster than you and that in turn makes a bad impression.
What happens at home stays at home: separate work and private life
However, it becomes difficult when the quality of your work suffers from a relationship at work. Once supervisors know, it is not uncommon for them to observe those involved with eagle eyes. Is the agreed work performed in accordance with the contract? Excellent! But are you being distracted by the new situation at work? Do you suddenly make avoidable mistakes? Or – even worse – quarrels from private life find their way into the workplace? Then the employer can of course intervene.
So it’s not a one-way street. Employers have no right to the private life of their employees – but vice versa, private life should stay where it belongs: after work.
“A boss to fall in love with”: What to do when feelings cross hierarchical levels?
Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant showed it in the film “A Boss to Love”: Emotions know no hierarchies. There can also be sparks between supervisors and employees. If these feelings are mutual, that’s a first step in the right direction. In such cases, you should of course think very carefully about whether you confess these feelings to your counterpart.
However, a romantic relationship between employees and supervisors has many stumbling blocks. The rules are the same, whether a relationship is between colleagues of equal rank or across hierarchies, but in this case it is truer than ever: private matters remain private. An obvious no-go are supervisors who use their position to give the lower-ranking person an unfair advantage over their colleagues. Or the position of power is used to punish the other party in the event of a dispute or breakup. Both cases are justification enough for the employer to get involved and can also have consequences under employment law.
Either way, your romantic relationship must not affect your work performance, but neither should that of your colleagues. In manager-coworker relationships, those around you will be particularly wary of your new love. Are the rest of the team at a disadvantage as a result of the new partnership, or do additional tasks end up on everyone else’s to-do list? Neither for you nor for your colleagues should the relationship mean a difference in everyday work. If you can do that, you’ve done everything right.
When a workplace romance grows
The relationship is now public and you are more in love than ever? No matter how good or bad things are going, the details of your partnership are still nobody’s business in the workplace. Because what is better for gossip at the coffee machine than a couple of freshly minted lovebirds or the next relationship crisis in the team?
Risk or not, it can be worth taking the next step, says our colleague: “A great friendship started at work in 2018. We laughed a lot together and learned from each other and what can I say? This year we are already celebrating our second wedding anniversary. Beautiful things can happen when you finally jump over your own shadow.”
